Thursday, 15 March 2007

What Would Jesus Do?

Kerry Asks:

My biggest vice is procrastination. How do you suggest I deal with this?

Um... I'll answer that tomorrow.

Monday, 12 March 2007

What Would Jesus Do?

Simon asks:

Whoa, Jesus, my teacher says it's one small step from smokin' the 'erb to smoking crack pipes and giving blow jobs to get your next fix. Two things:Is this true?andWhat can you do if, like me you're an 'brownie' addict? Or, indeed, a greenery addict?

1. Yes, this is true. For some people. I've been smoking catnip for the past 400 years. Helps with my flatulence. Not condoning crack, but blow jobs aren't bad for a bit of fun now and then.

2. Switch to catnip. It helps with flatulence.

What Would Jesus Do?

This week, Tracy asks:

Being Lent, what would you appreciate us mortals / me giving up for 40 days in your honour?

Tracy, what would make me happiest is if we all gave up religion. And not just for Lent. And not just Christianity. Or Hinduism. Or Jedi... is... whatever. Think for yourself. Love yourself. Set yourself free.

Monday, 12 February 2007

Cooking With Jesus

Jesus Cooks With Ralphie

Hi! My name is Jesus. I like to cook up a storm in the kitchen as much as the next deity.

This week, I am joined by Ralphie and we will be embarking on the culinary journey of a life time: medicinal brownies. That's right! Using a very special herb, known for it's medicinal properties, Ralphie and I will create a tasty treat you can share with your friends and family.

The secret herbal ingredient is allowed to melt with the shortening we will be using for the brownies. This will release the herb's powerful healing agents. Next, using a regular brownie recipe, Ralphie and I have made several trays of yummy chocolate brownies. It kicks immediately after the first mouthful.

Make as many trays as you feel you need. Remember that it's good to share, so make enough for your friends. Enjoy responsibly. Brownies are best served with a generous dollop of Bob Marley and the Wailers.

Thursday, 25 January 2007

Ask Jesus is Back!

Hi! My name is Jesus. I have spent a little time walking through the desert, as I sometimes do, and now I am back and ready to start blogging again. (Man, I missed showers and food that had less than 6 legs!)Right - straight to business.

I received the following question from Dori, on behalf of her friend Stefan:

If you fall out of a boat, do you hit your head on the water?

I don't hit my head on water as water isn't hard. My head just bounces right off. It feels like when you're jumping in a bouncy castle and hit your hit on the soft bouncy material. Except wet. And you don't have the risk of some arsehole stepping on your face or kicking you in the butt.